Do you ever just wake up and feel like you aged 5 years overnight? It might just be the winter blahs, or the 500 milligrams of sodium I had for dinner, but I woke up looking like I’d been run over by a truck. I have these awful mornings more often in winter when I’m cranky and pale and the only thing that sounds fun on a rainy day is cooking and eating. Did I mention that I also gained 5 effing lbs. while I was sleeping? Ack.

I find myself researching non-invasive procedures to basically replace my head and my body. I don’t even like my hands and feet today. I’m checking out Zerona and CoolSculpting laser fat reduction and Ulthera face and neck tightening. The cost is prohibitive and I’m torn between adding an arbor to my patio and giving myself a makeover.

Besides the cost, I have a fear of unpredictable results. While researching my options, I came across a ton of bad facelift articles (not considering a facelift yet, but looking at these sites is like a train wreck, it’s horrifying but I can’t stop looking at it).

Then there’s the idea of dieting and working out more (no idea when I would fit in more time at the gym) that would probably get me similar results but at a much slower pace. And there’s that stubborn mid-forties roll that seems very attached to me no matter what I do to try to break up with it.

So for today, I dressed all in black to hide the mysterious 5 lbs., put on a shitload of makeup and had an extra shot of espresso to combat my baggy eyes. And I wore my sassy black boots to literally raise my ass off the ground a few inches. We’ll see what gravity has in store for me tomorrow, maybe the sun will come up and I’ll just eat veggies for dinner and get over myself.